A LETTER TO MY TEENAGE SELF

“there will be fear. a lot of it. there will be triumph. a lot of it. there will be constellations you want to reach for but can’t put your finger on. you will trace them like the scars on your body you got from trouble and the times of your life. you will take the long way to get to these Orions. the long way will become a theme in your life, but a journey you learn to love.
you will dive head first without looking into phases that you are certain of who you are.
at the time, you are searching. seeking in every corner and pocket of the world for who you are. take your time, baby girl. there’s no rush to get there. you will sow each of these chapters in the land that you become. you will see bits and pieces of them scattered into the skin you grow into. you don’t have to figure everything out now. time will reveal itself. i promise you.
sometimes you push these phases to the max, and when you go out into the world feeling confident in who you are and what you reflect, young folks will call you names and grown folks will call you names. It’s ok. one day you will name yourself, and that name will belong to you. it will not be the ones they ordained: “crazy, ugly, attention-seeking, weirdo.”
i really hate to tell you this, but sometimes you will still get called these things as an adult, except you will actually embrace some of them. you will learn that these are just words. words that only have power if you choose to give them power. every once in a while they will hurt, but you will choose to turn those words into a symbol of beauty.
speaking of words. they might just be your first love. sometimes you can write for hours, just you and the words on the pages. they make you feel understood, even if it’s just you that you’re talking to.
trust in these words, even when you’re feeling wildly insecure. hold on to your journals. cherish them. put them somewhere safe so that they may become a guide for you later, a revealer and a friend.
the lucky stars have been good to you, and there’s a long list of things you’d like to give gratitude to them for………..
because you have your mama’s blood, you are fiercely independent and outgoing. you’ve been starting petitions, building tree houses, and starting clubs since as long as you can remember.
sometimes in the midst of juggling all this, you put a lot of pressure on yourself and often crash and burn. you shut down. you go into your room, lock the door, put on music, and you do not move for 8 hours straight. it will feel like the heaviest and bleakest darkness you can possibly feel, and when you ask everyone to leave you alone and let you be, what you really want to say is “i want you here” and “i need help.”
sometimes it is ok to say just that. it won’t make you less strong or less powerful. no one you love will criticize you or blame you; in fact, they will lift you up.
seventeen will be the hardest year of your life. it will grow you up almost immediately. you will lose your best friend whom you love so much to gun violence in a single moment, and give birth to a new one within a year.
you will be terrified, and it’s ok that you don’t know what the future holds. some people will count you out because of the decision you’ve made to bring another life into the world so young, but you made the decision out of love and will live with the decision in love.
soon enough you will learn how to love and how to exist with love in ways that you never knew. you will learn how to love yourself and how to empathize with and forgive those who may have taken a bit of that pure love away from you.
you have a long life ahead of you, and i’ll tell you it’s not gonna always be easy, but I can promise you it will be fruitful and with much purpose. all the bridges you’ve burned, you had to, so that you could rebuild them to become a stronger and more wonderful you.
there will be pain, there will be doubt there will be beauty, there will be the unknown. there will be so many moments of joy and delight that the whole universe will feel painted in hues of amber and wonder. there will be times you are so sad you can’t lift your head. and there will be times you are so happy that the sensation of life knocks you down. but most importantly, there will be you. a whole, whole lot of it. and you will feel good about who she is and who she is still becoming.”

-Solange Knowles

validation

Being complimented is a nice feeling. Being told you are beautiful is a fleeting feeling. Being told you are enough is something else. 

Validation is something women are taught from society. Feeling the need or desire to look pretty/sexy/beautiful for ourself is not enough. Society will lead us to believe that validation is what a women needs.When complimented, we are in turn being told that we are enough. That our beauty or the way we captivate a room is enough. But this my darling, can become a mindfuck. It can leave us always gasping for that seal of approval. That nod saying “yes maybe you are enough.”

From a young age, my parents were humble in their approach. They complimented me little. At times it made me feel like the ugly kid picked last at sports. This in turn had a tumultuous effect in my approach to self-love, beauty, men and relationships. Never being told I was pretty meant that when these words poured out like honey from a man’s mouth, I soaked it up. I soaked it all up like a damp cloth. I felt ‘validated’ and that my presence meant something to them. Obviously this was wrong and lead me to feel insecure and have low self-esteem. My parents reasoning was that they wanted to give me a level head. Not to walk proudly because of beauty but embrace and appreciate other qualities. I got to thank them slightly cause i’m not a stuck up bitch, but I did have issues with beauty and self image. This has taken time but no-one wakes up to be a finished piece of art. We are all work in progress.

Validation comes from within first. It also has some hand in what other people say to you. But the way you handle it is in your hands. You can either be a proud peacock or a humble horse. 

For the broken hearts 

To mend a broken heart is a fragile journey laced with the intricacies of memories. Short term happiness such as going out and flinging yourself in the arms of another lover is a bittersweet sensation. Long term happiness is where it gets tricky. From deleting conversations and pictures to erasing all record of them, feels good at the time…

But what happens at 4am when you wonder whether they were the one, and you should have put in more effort? What happens when the faint smell of their aftershave sends your mind in a frenzy? What happens when the slight mention of their name still catches your breath?

Love is the answer. Let go of the hate. Let go of the anger you have for them. Love yourself. Immerse yourself in platonic love. Surround yourself with positive, vibrant, feel-good love. Compliment more. Help someone out more. Send love to younger siblings. Live and let love blossom. Let go of the toxic memories and remember the best version of them. Pray for them. Pray for you. 

But don’t you ever go back to something which will not strengthen you, love you or cherish you.